We’ve all been there: you’re at a party and your coworker points to a young lady across the room, leans over to you, and says, “Nice tits.” It makes you a little uncomfortable. Like any decent human being, you realize that humanity is all we have in life (unless you’re a stripper), and to deny someone their humanity by reducing them to mere “tits” robs them of their identity and turns them into soulless objects. Yes, the woman across the room may have impeccable breasts, but she probably has a nice personality too, right? Right?
And yet… you can’t help feeling a little admiration for your coworker, who with confidence seems to be able to conquer the world of women by belittling them into small, acquirable items. Later that night, you notice your coworker hooking up with two chicks at the same time, while you’ve been relentlessly pursuing the aloof and evasive nice-looking girl in the corner by asking her soul-searching questions like, “What’s your major?” and “How do you feel about Dudamel’s interpretation of Shostakovich’s 10th Symphony?” But don’t worry, it’s not that you’re uninteresting or that she only listens to Top 40; you’re just not a big enough asshole.
You see, human beings are in a perpetual quest for self-completion, and it’s this desire for the complete self that forces us to continue searching and experiencing new things in life. The asshole coworker realizes this, and knows how to use this to his advantage. By belittling the young lady and removing any shred of dignity she might have had left, he is making her feel even more incomplete, and it’s this new internal void she needs to fill. The coworker, having robbed her of her dignity, can hold this dignity hostage until the young lady succumbs to a sort of Stockholm Syndrome and feels satisfaction in fulfilling her internal void not with her recently deprived dignity, but rather with the captor who stole it.
You’re a nice guy, so I realize objectifying women might be difficult for you. Fortunately, I have provided you with a Quack-Approved step by step process for learning how to objectify women.
1. Find a nice young lady that fits your ideal
Maybe you could pretend it’s love at first sight from across the classroom, or perhaps the cute girl at Subway throws a little extra meat on your sandwich. Women are everywhere, and with the right frame of mind, you can imagine details about who they are and what they’re like until they fit your perfect mold of who you see yourself with in the future. It doesn’t matter that you’ve never actually met them; the important thing is that you fool yourself into thinking they’re right for you.
2. Stalk them endlessly on Facebook (warning: friending them might be necessary – don’t worry, she has 900 friends, she’ll accept your request)
Now you have a woman of interest whom you imagine to fit your ideal. Stalking them on Facebook can act as a fact check between who you think they are and who they actually are. But don’t let inconsistencies shatter your reality! Take infinite liberties in molding their profile information to fit your fantasy. Take the following chart for an example.
| Who you imagine her to be | What it says on her Facebook | Conclusion you can draw |
| Enjoys the outdoors | Watches Reality TV | Will love the harsh reality of the wilderness |
| Reads Dostoevsky | Reads Cosmopolitan | Enjoys analyzing contemporary human behavior and sexuality |
| Is agnostic | Has Bible passages in her favorite quotes | Is agnostic, but finds the Bible fascinating |
| Political views: liberal | Political views: conservative | She was raised that way; college will change her |
| Single | In a Relationship | They’ll break up soon |
| Interested in: Men | Interested in: Women | She appreciates irony |
The contradictions between who you imagine her to be and how she describes herself on Facebook just add to the complexity of her personality. The more contradictions, the better!
3. Stage your first meeting
Now that you’ve thoroughly studied her for months on Facebook, it’s time to meet her in person. She might recognize you in class, or as the person who always gets a 12-inch meatball sandwich on whole grain, but now you need to get personal. If you don’t feel like meeting her in class or at Subway, simply refresh your news feed or her profile every five minutes until she indicates some sort of immediate plan:
“g2g grocrery shopping now lol”
This is perfect. You already know where she lives and where her nearest Ralphs is. Go there and hang out in the cereal isle. Everyone needs cereal. You can also drive between Ralphs and the nearest Vons every five minutes just to make sure, but don’t spend too long in any one place. When you finally meet her, only indicate what you know she knows you know about her. Try to get her in the check-out line where she can’t run away.
“Hi. Aren’t you in my sociology class?”
“You mean the one with 300 people in lecture? Probably.”
“Yeah, that one! I’m (your name).”
“I’m (her name).”
“Did you do the homework for today?”
“Yes…”
“I started it, but I didn’t finish because I was watching Jersey Shore.”
“OMG I love that show!”*
“Yeah, me too! …oh hey, can you hand me that Cosmo right there?”
* Challenge: Yes, you already know everything about her, but it’s important during this first meeting to pretend like you know nothing.
4. Become her best friend (allow up to two years for the completion of this step)
Because you’re a nice guy, you’re probably already an expert at this step. The secret is to support her in all of her life choices, and to listen to her whenever she complains about her friends or her boyfriend (don’t worry, they’ll break up soon). You can’t indicate any romantic interest because it might scare her away, but you should always be there for her, even going so far as to cease all contact with your other friends (if you have any) to make yourself available for her whenever she needs you at the shortest notice. But, as I said, being a nice guy, you’re probably already an expert at this step.
5. Cling onto an insignificant object loosely associated with her
One of these days while you’re hanging out with her drying her tears from her recent domestic argument with her now-fiance, she will accidentally touch or leave behind some object to which you can immediately assign unparalleled significance. It might be a fork she ate off of, or maybe a ticket stub for a movie you watched as a group. The possibilities are endless, but remember to consider the pros and cons of which object you choose.
| Item | Pros | Cons |
| Fork | – simple – washable – can keep it near your desk without people thinking you’re particularly weird – contains her mouth bacteria |
– might accidentally assimilate with other household forks – not particularly cuddly – hurts to make out with |
| Dryer Lint | – contains particles of her clothes, flesh, and hair – you can gather it when she’s not looking – feels soft against your skin |
– flammable – allergen – not socially acceptable to have piles of lint lying around |
| Sock | – inconspicuous – easily incorporated into your sexual fantasies – if you wear it, you can pretend your foot is her foot, and then you can give yourself a foot massage |
– you have to get her to take off her socks somehow and forget one – in moments of deep loneliness, seeing it on your floor will only make you more sexually frustrated – your mom might spend hours trying to find the other matching sock |
| Ticket Stub | – you can carry it in your wallet – if someone asks you about it, you can just say, “Oh. Good show,” and change the subject – you can keep it in your pillow case as you sleep |
– you might accidentally throw it away – you can never watch that same show ever again |
| Pen | – useful – you can doodle her name all over your notebooks – you can keep it with you at all times without raising eyebrows |
– she might ask for it back – some asshole might borrow it and forget to return it (kind of like you did) – also not particularly cuddly |
6. Come to the realization that she will never actually be as good to you as the object you’ve assigned to symbolize her
You don’t really have to do much in this step other than let the time pass. Eventually she will get married to her asshole boyfriend, and sometime during the honeymoon when she posts the sex details on her Facebook page, you’ll find yourself talking with the object more and more. You see, the object understands you, and the object will never hurt you. It will always be there for you. Wasn’t this how you imagined your lady friend to begin with? Thus, doesn’t the object depict the envisioned lady friend more accurately than the lady friend herself? The actual person of the friend is a mere fraudulent facade. She is not the truth you’ve wanted this entire time! Your object – that sacred and pure, unadulterated object is the truth of who you’ve always wanted to be with. And when you get lonely, you can touch the object, and it will touch you back, and there will be love.
Congratulations! You have now successfully turned a woman into an object! Now you are free to abuse her as you please from the convenience of your own bedroom! You can even accessorize your object-woman with doll clothing, trash items that vaguely resemble lingerie, or even other objectified women who can compete for your attention to complete them!
Sure, you will have your moments of weakness, but why feel shame? We objectify our deceased loved ones in the symbol of their gravestone. We objectify our country through its flag. We objectify Jesus through the symbol of the crucifix, and God through the clouds in the sky. Why then, if objectification is good enough for God, can we not also objectify women into household objects that will never shy away from our adoration? Rationalization is your only hope for achieving happiness – that same happiness your asshole coworker achieves by making out with two chicks at the same time.
And, even as you rock back and forth within the confines of your padded cell in a couple years, deprived of your material object-woman, you can envision your object before you, and find contentment in your void. You’ll learn to appreciate the image in your mind as a sufficient substitute for that object you so desire. After all, what is another symbol for a symbol? The object symbolizes the woman who already symbolizes your idea. Having your imagination symbolize the object is only a step away. And, if you become a master, maybe you can substitute yourself for your imagination, and then your world of desire will just be you gazing into imagined duplicate mirrors.
“Why hello there, Fork. I see your boobies are looking rather plump today. How… titillating. And you, my sweet Lint. You have an above-average derrière. I do like big butts, and I cannot lie. And you, baby, Sock. Your hair is exquisite… sexy. Mind if I smell it? Ah yes… Tide… Mountain Spring. My favorite.”
Doctor Quack 