Monthly Archives: March 2011

Cactus Porn

Cacti are proof God is a pervert. I have recently taken a liking to deserts.  They tend to have an unwelcoming and demented ambiance that I find mostly confusing and slightly titillating.  It is as if they were stripped of their … Continue reading

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Places Worse than Dorris: Episode II

After my failure with Blythe, I had lost hope in finding anywhere in the Sonoran Desert worse than Dorris.  The drive from Blythe to Phoenix is void of even the smallest civilization (aside from Quartzsite) and even if there was … Continue reading

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Blythe

My search for places worse than Dorris took me to Blythe, CA.  I went to Blythe hoping its name was an onomatopoeia for its aura.*  I was certain this town would be a contender; it fit all the prerequisites: small … Continue reading

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How I defeated the Pacific Skyline Council (a first-hand lesson in economics)

(reblogged from my livejournal) In the summer of 2001, after I was in eighth grade, I went to the National Boy Scout Jamboree. For those of you who don’t know what the Jamboree is, it’s a Boy Scout event that … Continue reading

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Destructors of Sentimentality

I’m a firm believer in the sentimental moments in life. We should all cherish tender and personal moments more often than we do. They are what make us human and emotionally complete. Unfortunately, life is like a movie. Too much … Continue reading

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Exalted Bowels

I know it seems like I blog about poop a lot. I assure you, I don’t actually talk about poop this much in real life. Actually I do, and here’s why: pooping is fantastic. I cannot stress enough how much … Continue reading

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Always Trust Strangers

Never trust strangers. 99.99%* of people out there are not out to rob you, rape you, kill you, or do you any harm in any way.  But what about the 00.01%?  They’re lurking in the streets, right?  RIGHT? Let me … Continue reading

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Dr. Quack’s Art of Seduction

Two words: Lint Ball. Take it from a man who has had precisely one and a half functional relationships in the last 24 years; I know what I’m talking about when it comes to the art of seduction. Success is … Continue reading

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The Power of Spite

“Living well is the best revenge.” – George Herbert I have recently started believing in the power of well-directed spite. About two years ago, I had a flopped romance that hurt me pretty badly. As a result, I went to … Continue reading

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Existentialist Moments, brought to you by my kitchen

I put some veggies in the microwave for one minute.  When I heard the microwave ding, my first thought was: “Oh my god, that was already a minute?  Life passes us by so fast…” This should never happen to you, … Continue reading

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