A Quack’s Quick Guide: How to Objectify Women

We’ve all been there: you’re at a party and your coworker points to a young lady across the room, leans over to you, and says, “Nice tits.” It makes you a little uncomfortable. Like any decent human being, you realize that humanity is all we have in life (unless you’re a stripper), and to deny someone their humanity by reducing them to mere “tits” robs them of their identity and turns them into soulless objects. Yes, the woman across the room may have impeccable breasts, but she probably has a nice personality too, right? Right?

And yet… you can’t help feeling a little admiration for your coworker, who with confidence seems to be able to conquer the world of women by belittling them into small, acquirable items. Later that night, you notice your coworker hooking up with two chicks at the same time, while you’ve been relentlessly pursuing the aloof and evasive nice-looking girl in the corner by asking her soul-searching questions like, “What’s your major?” and “How do you feel about Dudamel’s interpretation of Shostakovich’s 10th Symphony?” But don’t worry, it’s not that you’re uninteresting or that she only listens to Top 40; you’re just not a big enough asshole.

You see, human beings are in a perpetual quest for self-completion, and it’s this desire for the complete self that forces us to continue searching and experiencing new things in life. The asshole coworker realizes this, and knows how to use this to his advantage. By belittling the young lady and removing any shred of dignity she might have had left, he is making her feel even more incomplete, and it’s this new internal void she needs to fill. The coworker, having robbed her of her dignity, can hold this dignity hostage until the young lady succumbs to a sort of Stockholm Syndrome and feels satisfaction in fulfilling her internal void not with her recently deprived dignity, but rather with the captor who stole it.

You’re a nice guy, so I realize objectifying women might be difficult for you. Fortunately, I have provided you with a Quack-Approved step by step process for learning how to objectify women.

1.  Find a nice young lady that fits your ideal

Maybe you could pretend it’s love at first sight from across the classroom, or perhaps the cute girl at Subway throws a little extra meat on your sandwich. Women are everywhere, and with the right frame of mind, you can imagine details about who they are and what they’re like until they fit your perfect mold of who you see yourself with in the future. It doesn’t matter that you’ve never actually met them; the important thing is that you fool yourself into thinking they’re right for you.

2.  Stalk them endlessly on Facebook (warning: friending them might be necessary – don’t worry, she has 900 friends, she’ll accept your request)

Now you have a woman of interest whom you imagine to fit your ideal. Stalking them on Facebook can act as a fact check between who you think they are and who they actually are. But don’t let inconsistencies shatter your reality! Take infinite liberties in molding their profile information to fit your fantasy. Take the following chart for an example.

Who you imagine her to be What it says on her Facebook Conclusion you can draw
Enjoys the outdoors Watches Reality TV Will love the harsh reality of the wilderness
Reads Dostoevsky Reads Cosmopolitan Enjoys analyzing contemporary human behavior and sexuality
Is agnostic Has Bible passages in her favorite quotes Is agnostic, but finds the Bible fascinating
Political views: liberal Political views: conservative She was raised that way; college will change her
Single In a Relationship They’ll break up soon
Interested in: Men Interested in: Women She appreciates irony

The contradictions between who you imagine her to be and how she describes herself on Facebook just add to the complexity of her personality. The more contradictions, the better!

3.  Stage your first meeting

Now that you’ve thoroughly studied her for months on Facebook, it’s time to meet her in person. She might recognize you in class, or as the person who always gets a 12-inch meatball sandwich on whole grain, but now you need to get personal. If you don’t feel like meeting her in class or at Subway, simply refresh your news feed or her profile every five minutes until she indicates some sort of immediate plan:

“g2g grocrery shopping now lol”

This is perfect. You already know where she lives and where her nearest Ralphs is. Go there and hang out in the cereal isle. Everyone needs cereal. You can also drive between Ralphs and the nearest Vons every five minutes just to make sure, but don’t spend too long in any one place. When you finally meet her, only indicate what you know she knows you know about her. Try to get her in the check-out line where she can’t run away.

“Hi. Aren’t you in my sociology class?”
“You mean the one with 300 people in lecture? Probably.”
“Yeah, that one! I’m (your name).”
“I’m (her name).”
“Did you do the homework for today?”
“I started it, but I didn’t finish because I was watching Jersey Shore.”
“OMG I love that show!”*
“Yeah, me too! …oh hey, can you hand me that Cosmo right there?”

* Challenge: Yes, you already know everything about her, but it’s important during this first meeting to pretend like you know nothing.

4.  Become her best friend (allow up to two years for the completion of this step)

Because you’re a nice guy, you’re probably already an expert at this step. The secret is to support her in all of her life choices, and to listen to her whenever she complains about her friends or her boyfriend (don’t worry, they’ll break up soon). You can’t indicate any romantic interest because it might scare her away, but you should always be there for her, even going so far as to cease all contact with your other friends (if you have any) to make yourself available for her whenever she needs you at the shortest notice. But, as I said, being a nice guy, you’re probably already an expert at this step.

5.  Cling onto an insignificant object loosely associated with her

One of these days while you’re hanging out with her drying her tears from her recent domestic argument with her now-fiance, she will accidentally touch or leave behind some object to which you can immediately assign unparalleled significance. It might be a fork she ate off of, or maybe a ticket stub for a movie you watched as a group. The possibilities are endless, but remember to consider the pros and cons of which object you choose.

Item Pros Cons
Fork – simple
– washable
– can keep it near your desk without people thinking you’re particularly weird
– contains her mouth bacteria
– might accidentally assimilate with other household forks
– not particularly cuddly
– hurts to make out with
Dryer Lint – contains particles of her clothes, flesh, and hair
– you can gather it when she’s not looking
– feels soft against your skin
– flammable
– allergen
– not socially acceptable to have piles of lint lying around
Sock – inconspicuous
– easily incorporated into your sexual fantasies
– if you wear it, you can pretend your foot is her foot, and then you can give yourself a foot massage
– you have to get her to take off her socks somehow and forget one
– in moments of deep loneliness, seeing it on your floor will only make you more sexually frustrated
– your mom might spend hours trying to find the other matching sock
Ticket Stub – you can carry it in your wallet
– if someone asks you about it, you can just say, “Oh. Good show,” and change the subject
– you can keep it in your pillow case as you sleep
– you might accidentally throw it away
– you can never watch that same show ever again
Pen – useful
– you can doodle her name all over your notebooks
– you can keep it with you at all times without raising eyebrows
– she might ask for it back
– some asshole might borrow it and forget to return it (kind of like you did)
– also not particularly cuddly

6. Come to the realization that she will never actually be as good to you as the object you’ve assigned to symbolize her

You don’t really have to do much in this step other than let the time pass. Eventually she will get married to her asshole boyfriend, and sometime during the honeymoon when she posts the sex details on her Facebook page, you’ll find yourself talking with the object more and more. You see, the object understands you, and the object will never hurt you. It will always be there for you. Wasn’t this how you imagined your lady friend to begin with? Thus, doesn’t the object depict the envisioned lady friend more accurately than the lady friend herself? The actual person of the friend is a mere fraudulent facade. She is not the truth you’ve wanted this entire time! Your object – that sacred and pure, unadulterated object is the truth of who you’ve always wanted to be with. And when you get lonely, you can touch the object, and it will touch you back, and there will be love.

Congratulations! You have now successfully turned a woman into an object! Now you are free to abuse her as you please from the convenience of your own bedroom! You can even accessorize your object-woman with doll clothing, trash items that vaguely resemble lingerie, or even other objectified women who can compete for your attention to complete them!

Sure, you will have your moments of weakness, but why feel shame? We objectify our deceased loved ones in the symbol of their gravestone. We objectify our country through its flag. We objectify Jesus through the symbol of the crucifix, and God through the clouds in the sky. Why then, if objectification is good enough for God, can we not also objectify women into household objects that will never shy away from our adoration? Rationalization is your only hope for achieving happiness – that same happiness your asshole coworker achieves by making out with two chicks at the same time.

And, even as you rock back and forth within the confines of your padded cell in a couple years, deprived of your material object-woman, you can envision your object before you, and find contentment in your void. You’ll learn to appreciate the image in your mind as a sufficient substitute for that object you so desire. After all, what is another symbol for a symbol? The object symbolizes the woman who already symbolizes your idea. Having your imagination symbolize the object is only a step away. And, if you become a master, maybe you can substitute yourself for your imagination, and then your world of desire will just be you gazing into imagined duplicate mirrors.

“Why hello there, Fork. I see your boobies are looking rather plump today. How… titillating. And you, my sweet Lint. You have an above-average derrière. I do like big butts, and I cannot lie. And you, baby, Sock. Your hair is exquisite… sexy. Mind if I smell it? Ah yes… Tide… Mountain Spring. My favorite.”

About Doctor Quack

Just another bonehead with an internet connection.
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11 Responses to A Quack’s Quick Guide: How to Objectify Women

  1. Bethany Hill says:

    oh my god. marry me. or at least my pen. i’ll mail you one.

    • Doctor Quack says:

      That’s a big commitment. I just don’t know if I’m ready to be a one-gadget man…

      • Bethany Hill says:

        you’re right. that came off too strong. wandering hearts need to wander. how about you mail me a pen?

      • Doctor Quack says:

        Are you more of a ballpoint gal or do you prefer felt tip? Or maybe you’re the classy fountain type, or the modern and trendy rollerball, perhaps? If I may say so myself, I enjoy ballpoints for their loyalty (and in general they make cheap dates – easy on the wallet), but felt tip is where it’s at if you’re yearning for nightlife and the party lifestyle.

        Are you looking for a pen that will make your life new, fresh, and exciting? Or one that you can bring home to dad?

      • Bethany Hill says:

        Not to be douchy about this, but as the pen is supposed to come from you, really, it should be a pen in your style. And once I have this pen (and I totally pegged you as a Bic. they move from desk to desk noncommittally) I can objectify it with as many interpretations as I want (oh, this pen is so misunderstood. really, he’s just as capable of producing brilliant works of art as any other pen. If someone was just willing to take care of the bic… with this trusty bic by my side… shit is he Leaking everywhere?! now i need to clean him…)

      • Doctor Quack says:

        Now now, in the defense of the trusty Bic, is it really his fault he moves from desk to desk? Or is he just reacting to the forces around him? I do not see fit blaming a pen who is subject to such disorienting treatment from its owners – that is to say getting repeatedly borrowed, lost, stolen, bitten, chewed, etc. The Bic is merely an innocent pawn stuck in the cruel world of the careless. If the Bic chooses to spend night after night with desk after desk, as the womanizing heartbreaker that he is, who am I to blame? He is a reflection of his environment.

        Now, with that said, I see myself as more of a fountain pen kind of guy: a bit of a traditionalist, out of fashion, and kind of a pain to deal with, but if maintained well, will last forever and never stop writing. Also quite messy if mistreated.

  2. scrunchylips says:

    “By belittling the young lady and removing any shred of dignity she might have had left, he is making her feel even more incomplete, and it’s this new internal void she needs to fill. The coworker, having robbed her of her dignity, can hold this dignity hostage until the young lady succumbs to a sort of Stockholm Syndrome and feels satisfaction in fulfilling her internal void not with her recently deprived dignity, but rather with the captor who stole it.”
    “you’re just not a big enough asshole.” –


    O my gosh! I was laughing so hard! My Korean coworkers probably think im crazy! I sound like a hyenna – lol – SOCK! LOL!!!! ” you have to get her to take off her socks somehow and forget one” BWWWAAAHAHAAAAAAAA!

    Keep it up! I like to laugh! 😀

    • Doctor Quack says:

      You’re making me feel good about myself, Scrunchylips. Most people are only commenting on the 10 things about the twenties, which, admittedly is probably the best thing I’ve written here, and unfortunately will be the best thing I’ll write for a while. But alas, you’re making me feel happy with my other posts as well. So I thank you.

      • scrunchylips says:

        o – lol – youre welcome – but really youre a great writer!
        I think that some of these others (though I havent read them all yet!)are just as good or even mych more laughing-great as that one that got Pressed!

        They just havent had time to get into your other stuff yet! ^^ I’m sure you’ll start getting more comments 🙂

        I just have been sitting for one and a half weeks at an empty school 8 hours a day – so for me this is GREAT! I am entertained gallore! (its break now for students TT TT just not me :/ (korean crying there)

  3. iWee says:

    Hahaha, if you ever decide to publish a book with your post, I’d be the first buyer! This post has to be shared with all my *male* friends.

  4. Angel says:

    HAHAHAHAHA…. Hilarious!! XD “Tide…Mountain Spring. My Favorite” You are awesome! I can’t stop myself from chuckling! XD

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