Confessions of a Music Student-Teacher

Last Thursday night, on a high school stage in the outskirts of a Wine Country town, I cried.  In front of eighty students and dozens of parents and faculty, I lost my composure and broke down.  It was the first time I’ve cried in over a year.

My students would like to think they were tears of joy, and to a large extent, they were.  At the conclusion of our final concert, they had just gotten through presenting to me a gift of gratitude for my year of service as a student-teacher: a job required of me by my credential program, a thankless job many would see as nothing more than an obligation, a hoop to reluctantly jump through on the way to the big bucks and grand fortunes of teaching.  Surely, I was moved by their sincere expression of thanks to a man they had met not even a year ago.  It’s nice to be appreciated.  But that was only part of it.  I was moved by a profound sadness as well.

You see, at the heart of each human being rests two desires: to love and be loved.  I wanted desperately for my students to love me, and I believe many of them do.  And, likewise, I love my students.  But only because I had the luxury to do so.

I worked hard.  I worked so damned hard it ate away at my life.  When I got home at the end of each day, I couldn’t think.  I couldn’t write.  I couldn’t blog or compose.  I couldn’t even play music, even though I was teaching it.  In March, I even started seeing therapy.  Throughout my year, I felt as though I were losing an integral part of myself; some melancholic introspective thread of thought, of which I have always been proud, was being shrouded by a concrete goal: get your credential (and a job and a living and a future), as well as some abstract goal: love and be loved.  My identity was a sacrifice I had to make for these goals.  For a year, I loved Rock ‘n Roll because my students loved Rock ‘n Roll, even though I’m a Classical man.  I played guitar because my students needed me to be a guitar player, even though I don’t know jack about the guitar.  I was always joyful and optimistic because my students needed an adult in their lives with a smile on their face, even though I’m often lonely and possibly depressed.

It was exhausting.

And yet, being exhausted was a choice I had made.  I wanted to be exhausted.  No, I needed to be exhausted.  And fortunately, I had time to be exhausted, and this time made all the difference.  I was available for my students.  While my mentor was MCing a concert, I had the privilege of being backstage with them, counseling them through their crises.  While my mentor was coordinating with other directors during field trips and other such excursions, I had the opportunity to take my students out to lunch or dinner, to listen to their stories, to sympathize with their plights, to offer my limited insights and lofty words of wisdom.  I had the privilege of being an adult who not only cared, but was also present and available to them, and eventually loved by them, just as I had always wanted to be.  And of course, the more I learned about them, the more I loved them back.

Because again: at the heart of each individual is the need to love and be loved.  I have this need.  They have this need.  We are no different.

And yet, time moves forward.  Today, I am a student-teacher.  Next year, I’ll be whisked away to a real job as a real teacher, with a salary and benefits and all those other fancy symbols of a functional adulthood.  And surely, one would think, I’ll establish the same connections with my future students as I did with my present students.

But what if I can’t?  What if I’m not available to do so?

Today, when I go home, I go home alone to a studio in a large house with three strangers from Craigslist.  I have no available friends, I have no available family, leaving me available to commit myself to my students.  Whatever loneliness I had felt was eventually eliminated by fulfilling the teacher role.  I was no longer lonely because I had students who enjoyed my leadership, my insight, my wisdom, my company, and so on and so forth.  And my students had an adult they could count on.  Everybody wins!

But what about when I have a wife and kids?  Will I have the time and energy to know each and every one of my students as I do now?  What about five years from now when I have five graduating classes all coming to visit me while I’m struggling to focus all my efforts on the current year?  Or fifteen years from now when I’ve had eight-hundred students, half of them with names like Tim or Sarah (The one who played horn?  No, the one who played trumpet.  Graduated in 2022?  No, 2026.).  To them, I will always be their music teacher, the torch-bearer, leading them through the darkness into the light.  But to me, I fear they will blend into the fabric of students past and students future, just as I too blend into the fabric of my own revered music teacher’s thirty or so graduating classes.

And I don’t want them to be a fabric.

Perhaps I am naive.  Give me years of experience and surely I will scoff at my current self and my melodramatic naiveté.  Regardless, I am afraid.  People you love, people who love you, these people shouldn’t become part of a fabric.

There, on that stage, for a brief and powerful moment, I fathomed the impossible strength it must take to be a great teacher: to see hundreds if not thousands of individual faces and to love each and every one of them as they deserve, as long as they need to be loved as the individuals they are and always will be.  In awe of that unfathomable strength, I felt weak.  I felt overmatched.

And I cried.

Advertisements

About Doctor Quack

Just another bonehead with an internet connection.
This entry was posted in Editorial and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Confessions of a Music Student-Teacher

  1. vith says:

    People come and go. What stays is the work that moved you. Congratulation on doing what you love and making the best out of it! By the way, I enjoy many of your entries. Thank you for sharing thoughts!

  2. Lively Life says:

    I have missed you.

  3. Trebecca says:

    This post is just about the most honest reflection of growing into adulthood I have ever read. I’m in the same place in my life, albeit with a different set of circumstances in a completely different career, but I do know this overwhelming mix of joy and sadness. I’m hoping that everyday I give a bit more of myself so that I won’t look back and find that it was all a blur. Congrats on your new job 🙂

  4. Welcome to being a teacher.

  5. Yusra Khan says:

    Can you please write more often?

  6. I’ve just finished my first year teaching (also a music teacher) and had a similar student-teaching experience. I cried when I left, because there were so many students who had talked to me, unloaded their burdens onto me, that I was truly worried about them over the summer and whether or not they’d be OKAY. My clinical teacher told me, “Just let them go. Ultimately, they have more of an impact on you than you do them as a student-teacher.”
    He was right. I was just in their lives for 10 weeks (at my college, we do 2 internships in the Spring: a 5 week and a 10 week, 2 different levels). Ultimately, what kind of impact did I really have? I was depressed for a while, then it took the first semester of actually teaching to understand.
    I can’t try to make you understand- all I can say is that once you have your first teaching job, and develop those relationships- it will all make sense. Especially once you’re at that job longer than you were at your internship.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s