Words and More Words

I often find myself participating in conversations wondering what the point of all of it is.  Sometimes words and phrases just seem like trivial mouth sounds put forth as a desperate plea for the silence to stop.

“Oh, you like blue?  …How interesting!  I’m more of a magenta fan myself.”

“How was your day?  Good?  …Cool.  …Yeah, it’s really raining outside.”

“Words words words …words words words…..”

Even seemingly important topics:

“I think the Donald Trump candidacy reveals a horrifying malaise that has been spawned from a disillusioned American electorate.  What do you think?”

“Perhaps it was when the human species acquired language that we were cast out of Eden, so to speak, forever condemned to experience the world through symbols, and thus detached from the rawness of reality.  Pass the chips.”

“Words words words words words….”

Or sentimental expressions:

“I love you.”

“Words.”

An ex of mine once told me that I’m too concerned with sounding smart.  This blog is proof.  I put a lot of effort into making insights and being eloquent, but really it all boils down to a deep insecurity: if I can’t provide insight for others, then what worth do I have?

“You don’t speak like a normal human being.”
“Your language is affected.”
“Nobody talks like you do.”
“You’ve gone through life with people praising your intelligence; you don’t know how to handle being average.”
“You don’t need to prove to the world that you’re smart.  Nobody cares that much.”
“Words words words words words…”

Not all of this was said by my ex.  Some were said by others I know.  Some were said by nobody but myself.

Seldom do people talk more than I do in a conversation.  I blabber words constantly.  I try to be insightful.  I try to be funny.  But it all comes from a place that’s desperate to prove [to myself] that I have a right to exist, that I have value.  But what is the value in person,  how much others enjoy spending time with them?

Is that to say that if you’re not interesting, if you’re not smart, if you’re not funny, then you are worthless?  That’s horrifying.

The concept of value is horrifying.

But alas, when it comes down to it, most of my words, whether superficial greetings, intimate discussions, or mundane observations, probably boil down to, “I’m afraid of being lonely.”

And yours probably do too.

So when I’m speaking with you…

“Oh my God, today was such a hard day at work.  I had to deal with some terrible customers.”
“You too?  Did you sleep well last night?  Nothing like a good night’s sleep.”

…maybe instead of hearing…

“Words words words words words words words….”
“Words words!  Words words words?  Words words…”

…I should be hearing…

“I’m afraid of being lonely.”
“You don’t need to be afraid of being lonely.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because I’m also afraid of being lonely.  But if you’re here talking to me, what is there to be afraid of?”

I wish I could host a party, or a camping trip, or some sort of experimental social gathering where those present did not speak, just to see what sort of communication becomes possible without words to obscure the true visceral energy that connects us.  I imagine that, after a period of initial discomfort, we would find peace within our company, because there would be nothing to distract us from the blessing of being together at last.

May those that are born lost find a home in one another.

Advertisements

About Doctor Quack

Just another bonehead with an internet connection.
This entry was posted in Editorial and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Words and More Words

  1. Father Hayman says:

    Your experimental gathering has already been put into practice. Any NFL team playing in Seattle has to use silent signals on offense since the stadium is too loud to hear the quarterback speak. Most of what the quarterback says is jibberish anyway, “Omaha, 24…Omaha Omaha” then the ball gets hiked and everyone crashes into everyone else. Better to just hike the ball on a silent count. The result is the same…everyone crashes into everyone else. I used to have the soccer girls scrimmage silently to get them to understand the value of communication, since they tended to not say anything in a real game except “HERE!!” They clapped a lot. Every once in a while, one kid would raise her hand which was sort of useless since everyone looked down at the ball anyway. They got the point, but then I discovered that when two players face each other, “LEFT!” does not mean the same thing to both of them. Better to point. Imagine a party where everyone points. (I point to myself, I point to girl, I point south of my belly button, girl gives me the “table for one” sign. Mission accomplished; Visceral energy no longer obscured, and no distractions from the blessing of being together since we are no longer together. By the way, your mother broke her wrist yesterday.

  2. foolswords says:

    I had an episode like yours, if you would let me call it an episode, a few years back. Eight years back, to be precise. It started out when I thought about the question of worth. Am I worthy to be here? If so, why would people forget me when I leave this Earth? Is that my worth? If so, why does my meager existence even exist in the first place? Is God just trying to make fun of me? I was left in the balance, not knowing what the answers to those questions were. That led me to become stagnate. Feeling like you don’t want to live yet not even admiring death. It was worst than death, if I should say myself, though I haven’t experienced death firsthand, except for that one dream of dying from falling off a cliff while climbing a mountain I had back when I was twelve. It was horrific, but the stagnate me was excruciating.

    Words are actually limited, very limited indeed to express ourselves, yet these are the only practical devices left to our expense. So, what could you do with it? What would you do with it? I hope you find your answer, because in the end, we humans are weak, for we rely on logic, cause and effect, and can’t accept things as is without explanation.

    By the way, I envy you. This post had confirmed something that I had long suspected. We do think alike. I do enjoy the things and thoughts you lay upon up in this post. I also get those ‘labels’ of acting smart and being out of the norm, when I think I am the same inside as they are. I do think aloud the little things that have long past, and cringe in disgust to some things I had thought in the past. But unlike you, I was not granted the luxury of hearing firsthand the thoughts of others denying my way and degrading my speech and train of thought. You’re lucky. That’s why I envy you.

    So sorry to leave such a tl;dr comment. It just excites me that reading your post, I realize someone somewhere across the globe is having similar thoughts and is going through similar episodes albeit the cultural and perhaps lifestyle differences. It makes me feel like I’m not alone.

  3. desi83 says:

    I like how you think. Sometimes when I am in mid-conversation, I suddenly become annoyed with myself, so I get embarrassed because I assume that the person I am talking with is annoyed, too. It’s so awkward lol. Silence can be refreshing sometimes.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s