Cactus Porn

Cacti are proof God is a pervert.

I have recently taken a liking to deserts.  They tend to have an unwelcoming and demented ambiance that I find mostly confusing and slightly titillating.  It is as if they were stripped of their humanity and values, and in the place of what we call hospitality lies the unbearable blinding darkness of the underworld.  Deserts are the exposed secrets of land which are otherwise veiled in the facade of social decency (i.e. pine trees and grass – in other words: earth’s clothing).  Yet this arbitrary value judgement on deserts is completely guided by our sense of what gives us, humans, a comfortable life.  Ocotillo, for instance, probably don’t look too kindly upon the temperate forest biome.  Hence, it seems as though the perceived ethical perversion of the desert landscape is purely a human judgement.  …or perhaps… is it a divine one?

Perhaps deserts are where God threw everything he was ashamed of making – creatures that never should have been, each one standing for another symbol of His neuroses.  As if obsessive-compulsive, he filed each category of his neurotic perversions into a different desert.  In the Australian Outback, for instance, he was so kind as to keep memorabilia on his obsession with grotesque torture and death (everything in Australia can and will kill you).  In the Mojave Desert, he filed his peculiar taste for nightmarish abstractions.

Mojave National Preserve

I watch you while you're sleeping.

In Arizona, God hid his porn stash: the saguaro cactus.

A cactus that resembles a penis

Like a sea of johnsons saluting the celestial sphere.

It wasn’t enough for the saguaro cactus to be one of the most phallic creations known to Earth.  No.  They have to be doing inappropriate things too.

Cacti in Arizona

Get a room, you two!

Some are more explicit than others.

Cactus Porn

NSFW

Some are just confusing.

Cactus porn

I don't even want to know what's going on here.

Some probably shouldn’t be legal.

Dirty cactus bj

There's a good reason He kept this in a desert far away from civilization.

It’s like a Rorschach test for the depraved.

Cactus Porn

What has been seen cannot be unseen!

When Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge and came to be aware of their nakedness, they were cast out of paradise.  It was a paradise that was to keep us away from the true perverse psychological horrors of our universe upon which, unbeknownst to us, we would one day stumble.

Actually, this entire entry is a lie.  The cacti are actually dancing with each other.  If I were to have the subject title of this post “Cactus Ballet,” I could’ve shown the same pictures and what you and we envision would have probably been completely different.  Really, this entry was to expose the perversion in our own minds: the ability to create something vile out of innocence – out of nothing.  It is a skill we are all guilty of.  By power of suggestion, the corruption within you has revealed its putrid head.  They are really just basic plants, but now whenever you see a saguaro cactus, you’re going to think of penises.  It’s not my fault.  It’s yours.

Inception.

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About Doctor Quack

Just another bonehead with an internet connection.
This entry was posted in Editorial and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Cactus Porn

  1. Pingback: The Joys and Horrors of Admin | Doctor Quack

  2. scrunchylips says:

    LOL!!! I just searched it because you mentioned it in another blog! BWWAAAHaaahaaa!
    Its true though! I was totally thinking – “O MAN! Thats gotta hurt!? what the heck did he write about it??….”

    So now I know.

    Nice post!

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